My Testimony

I grew up in Salem, OR a household that was non religious. More than that it was anti-religious. God was a “higher power” that was changed to suit what was needed if He was even there at all. I went through a very rough childhood with emotional and physical abuse, an even rougher time as a teenager with more than 5 years of serious and daily drug addiction. Trust was just not something you gave and I learned to only rely on myself for everything. I had no real idea what love was though I thought I knew.

When I came to church with Matt (my now husband) that first Sunday, November 29^th 2009, I didn’t really expect anything special. I had been to church off and on for the previous 3 or 4 years but mostly it was for my daughter. I always believed in God, that He was there but I just wasn’t one He was there for, I guess but I wanted her to know Him and to make up her own choice about Him. I don’t know how much of the pastor's message I actually heard, I was zoning in and out (sorry Randy) but then something truly by His Glory happened. I heard “He loves you.” I don’t even know if that’s what he said that day but that’s all I heard. I cried. Something in me changed that day, Jesus changed me, and gratefully, He still is changing me. I walked away from here that day truly new, cleansed b y th eblood of Jesus and different.  I didn’t understand why or how He could love ME after everything I had done but somehow I knew He did.

The next few months were very hard. Learning that I could trust the Lord for things that I previously had to do myself and to break down the walls that I built up through so many years of pain, self loathing and worthlessness hurt. I spent a lot of time crying and uncovering things that I had buried but it was pealing back the layers around my heart. I was raw all the time. When I got through the trust issues and began relying on God, He convicted me about my behavior and the way I was acting and the way I addressed my life. It dug up a lot of shame about things I did but mostly it allowed me to SAY I was ashamed. To admit that I was putting on a mask to cover the way I really felt. I remember a conversation I had with my mom in March last year when I told her I was ashamed of being a divorcee. I was embarrassed. I will never forget her response. She said “I don’t like what going to church has done to you. You were never embarrassed before so why now? They are brainwashing you. You’re different and I don’t like it” Coming from a self-professed pagan, I don’t think I had ever been more proud that God had chosen me. I am glad that God has changed me. I’m glad He is continuing to change me and that I want to change more. I know true, unconditional love and now that I know what it is, can feel it with all of my soul, I can love others. I understand now why my Aunt (who is a Christian) has never given up praying for our family and talking about God with us. When you KNOW the truth you want to tell everyone and show everyone with the changes in your life. When I expose my past, it amazes me that people don’t say “Oh yea I kind of guessed that” anymore. They are shocked because of how God changed me.

When I gave up trying to do everything on my own, trusted God to lead me, started relying on prayer and opened my life to Him and to growth in Him, my everything changed. My worth is in Him alone and nothing could take away my faith in Him. I want to love people the way Christ did, hold nothing back from Him and always being open to move the way He wants me to. Blind faith doesn’t mean not making plans, it means making Him the center of the plan and building up from there. If things don’t go my way, I know they are going His. The more I let go of self-reliance, control, self-sustainment and give God the control, the more I let go of and make Him the center of my life, the more I receive in my heart.

Following the promtping of the Holy Spirit, I started volunteering in the nursery at my church. What a blessing that has been! I am now the Nursery Coordinator (which really is a fancy title for saying that I plan the schedule and make sure snacks are stocked) and teach Sunday School for the K-2nd Grade class twice a month. Children have been placed so firmly into my heart that I know it is part of my responibility to show them the love Christ has for them by way of loving instruction. "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) Because of the miracles He has done in my life, He has opened my eyes to see the constant working in and changing of my life and the lives of those around me. Our God is truly an AWESOME God.

TO my LORD:

I can trust You in all that I do for You.

I can be scared but I don’t have to let that stop what you want me to do

 I can know that if I have faith and follow You Nothing can stop me

I can feel unworthy but that won’t stop me from who You want me to be.

You are more than I can fathom and dare to understand

You are the Creator, the builder of water, air and land

You are the binder and the rebuilder of my heart

You are the one who can heal and tear me apart

Thank you Lord that I have been cleaned

Thank you Lord that things weren’t what they seemed

Thank you Lord for everything you have given

Thank you Lord for Jesus whom me is alive in