The hardest part of walking with God is staying faithful. Walking with God takes a tremendous amount of dedication and faith. To walk with Him when things are tough and you need someone to rely on, trusting that He is there. To walk with Him when things are easier and life is good, rejoicing and sharing in your abundance.
When things are not so good, when the road ahead seems never ending, is it easier to cry out to God, holding onto Him for your strength? Or is it easier to rely on yourself or your spouse? I find it hard to rely on God in times of need. I often feel like things "aren't that bad" (I mean, I don't have cancer, I'm not starving or homeless) so God has more important things to do than waste His time on me. I feel like I SHOULD be thankful. I SHOULD be praising HIM. I SHOULD be okay in my circumstances.
And there must be something wrong with me if I'm not.
Because look at how blessed I am.
Isn't that the response we often get, though however well-meaning? "Oh honey, but look at how BLESSED you are! Just count your BLESSINGS! Look at how many BLESSINGS God has given you!" And I DO have a lot to be grateful for but that doesn't mean I don't still have pain or worry about the future or want better for my family. It doesn't mean I don't get angry at perceived injustice or depressed that I'm not as good as so-and-so or sad that I don't provide enough. I WANT to rely on God during these times but often I find myself putting distance between that relationship. Why should a Holy God, worry about little ol me? Especially when little ol me is perfectly capable of taking care of herself? Isn't is selfish of me to want God's attention in all that He has blessed me with?
And when things are going well? Imagine those feelings times 10!
I really think I know the direction God wants me to go in but I don't think I am faithful enough. I don't know why He would call me to do what I think He is calling me to do, knowing how much I struggle with being faithful to Him all the time. I forget to read my bible, or I just intentionally "don't have time." I don't pray or when I do it seems so superficial. I question if God is really pushing me in a particular direction even when He moved me across the country to be able to focus on it. I am a poor example of a Christian woman. I get angry, irritated and have little patience. I know where my "spiritual gifts" are but am too afraid to use them.
And yet, I take one more step.
